The Bible
Simon – your comment setting annoys me so here is a post. Here is the flaw in your thinking. The Bible is not a historically solid document. There are elements, yes. But as de facto truth? No. Let’s take Genesis as a starting point. Let there be light: the sun twinkles into place. A little later God creates the Firmament. No. In catechism we were told not to take Genesis too seriously because we now know that the sun sits in the firmament. As one example. I love the line: “In the beginning was the word, and the word was God.” Hindus believe that too – the sound Ohm/Aum. Nevertheless – the Old Testament is particularly flaky as far as historical fact goes. Big chunks of history missing and some fairly peculiar leaps. The OT is a cobbling together of different documents. This does not invalidate it as a spiritual work or as a useful tool to understand God, but it is not at all historically solid. Or scientifically. Thank God I am a Catholic, so a literal interpretation of the Bible is not required.
To claim that if history outside the Bible is not true (ancient civilisations, cave men etc) because it is not mentioned in the OT is absurd. The Bible comes from a geographically specific area. It’s like saying that outside of ancient Roman or Greek history there was nothing happening. Huh? There most definitely is proof of ancient civilisations and even older times when people were not altogether civilised.
As for evolution – well, no. Seems to me that intelligent design was at play. But this is after huge amounts of reading and figuring out for myself certain things. Genetics are real, for example but when push comes to shove, deep in myself I know I am a spiritual being having a human experience. Very good book is Dear Mr Darwin. I think that overall it is important to have an open mind and explore all of the wonderful things and aspects that God has created in this universe.
To shut down everything that is not included in the Bible is to be what we Christians are always accused of – narrow-mindedness. I don’t feel comfortable with that.
Gays, drunks and the Catholic Church
My beloved church says that homosexuality is fine, just not the act. There are various biblical reasons for this, but basically it seems that sex is for procreation so everything else is deviant. This includes oral and anal sex and very definitely gay sex. Seeing that most of my male friends are screaming fags you would think I would have a problem with what the church teaches. I don’t.
See, I always look at the KC perspective, how can I have someone else’s? So, I am an alcoholic. Fact. It’s either genetic or conditioning, but there it is, regardless of cause. Does that mean I have to drink? No. So, does being born gay mean you have to act on it? No.
Doesn’t mean I am drifting around like a judgmental preacher. The many gay people I know and am close to, often feel ostracized by their church. Yet, I know one who was in a Catholic seminary studying to be a priest he has been in a long and loving relationship for about 15 years with a Buddhist. Yet he still goes to Mass and has none of the issues others do with his faith.
As an alcoholic, I also face extreme censure from the church. We don’t do divorce, but discovering your husband or wife is an alcoholic is grounds for annulment. The church believes you have the seeds from childhood and treats like a mental illness/evil.
I think peace needs to be made with whoever you are and the God of your understanding. Many people turn from their church when they find something in themselves that is not compatible. Yet if you were brought up in it good luck finding another God that works for you. Haha. Not easy. I have watched enough people try. The church teachings may be hardcore, but the structure of the church is of forgiveness and tolerance. Some parishioners are not. My alcoholism or someone else’s gayness is not, in my mind, a good enough reason to turf the whole thing. Does that mean that gay people define themselves only by their sexuality? Shame.
I chose Catholicism, after an atheist upbringing. I chose it, despite who I am, what I am and what I have done in my life. I have broken all bar one of the ten commandments and I have been guilty of every one of the seven deadly sins. Yet, I chose this thing and in it, I have found something very beautiful and ugly at the same time.
Holy Mass and eyebrow crabs
Mass is a biohazard. I don’t do the blood of Christ, cos actually, it is booze. Transubstantiation is all well and good, but I ain’t putting alcohol in my body. Then there is the germ factor. I understand that it is alcohol and therefore the germs from hundreds of people will be killed, but hang on- didn’t they say it becomes blood? Baffling huh? The body, well, let’s just say I hope to God the priest washes his hands before touching the bits of Christ that stick to the roof of my mouth for about 40 minutes. Fecal matter on my body of Jesus is not too cool a thought- What currently has me worried is the Holy Water, however.
Picture it, we are all there to confess sin. Sin frequently involves the use of hands. Most common sin? Probably wanking. Come on, most of us are guilty of that. Or sex. Did you know that something like 60% of people don’t wash their hands after peeing? If that’s the case, how many people don’t wash after a quick jerk-off? Disturbing huh? My head does this thing where I can picture tenacious vaginal fluids or semen, being comingled with the holy water on the way in to Mass. We Catholics do the holy water as we go in and go out. What if I get herpes on my forehead, shoulders or chest? Can you get eyebrow crabs?
Or does the fact that it is all blessed stuff mean it is entirely germ free and harmless?
More importantly, why did God give me a brain that works like this?
An agnostic alcoholic catholic….
I get quite a bit of flak for this Catholic thing. So I thought I would have a stab at explaining why it is not at conflict with me based on the way Alcoholics Anonymous works, and has been working for me for more than four years. AA is not allied with any religion, sect or denomination. It is based on spiritual principles. It always intrigues me that people can be so judgmental over a Church and teachings I get blah bah, sin in the week and confess on Sunday blah blah- hypocrites blah blah- People are the problem not the church. Which is why all churches are designed around forgiveness. Forgiveness has been integral to my recovery from alcoholism. I take nothing from the church that I cannot reconcile to what I have learned and experienced in AA. By the way, there are people who come to AA and after a while get judgmental about how there are people who are not perfect- We are a bunch of ex-drunks, how perfect can we be expected to be? So how is it that the Catholic Church could teach stuff in line with something that saves a bunch of drunks?
The twelve steps of AA are designed with one purpose in mind: they lead you to a spiritual awakening. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s a tried and tested formula. These are not easy steps. When you are a fucked up drunk, this process is quite damn hard.
Here are the twelve steps within my own context:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol–that our lives had become unmanageable. (so this was my life. Unmanageable. Emotionally anyway)
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. ( it took no great wisdom to accept that I could not get sober on my own, or even control my drinking. So, to start with my higher power was the fellowship of AA itself)
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. (my understanding of God was limited at this time. God and higher power are easily substituted, so I just did what the group told me. AA works for all people, whether agnostic, atheist, hindu, jewish, muslim we do not proscribe any particular God.)
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. (I did this. It’s very similar to preparing for confession. It’s a list of resentments, which are then examined and the root cause found. For me the root cause was fear of some sort)
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. (tada confession in a nutshell. I didn’t do the first step five with a priest. I did it with another AA member. Those things left me as a result of confessing them. As in GONE. Another person had kept on liking me despite my shit. The burden of this stuff was gone. I laugh when people get all twitchy about the priest being able to see them. I don’t care. The freedom experienced when you do confess your defects/sins whatever is so freeing I could tell anyone and experience the same thing)
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. (this stuff hurt me. I needed to ‘go forth and sin no more’. By the time I reached this step first time round, I had some vague and nebulous understanding of God as an imaginary friend. I don’t see this as being problematic. The Catholic teaching of sin is just another way for me to see the defects. However, if I use the word sin in an AA meeting I will be in trouble. We use the word ‘defects’)
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. (easy huh? When you can see the stuff that hurts you, why not ask God to take it away? I find that if I don’t ask God, I get worse, not better. Will power fails me.)
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. (this is difficult. I needed help. I had a lot of ex-lovers listed but my sponsor told me that my behavior towards them was done with their full knowledge we were consenting adults.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. (this is a daily practice. A look over my day- what did I do that was not pleasant. Where was my selfishness or defects of character running rampant? Thank God for cellphones. I make a lot of last minute apologies via sms. It’s not so bad anymore, but I need to do the step every single day)
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. (this means different things for different people. I know some folk who don’t pray, they only meditate. Me, I am a prayer. I like praying. My meditation takes the form of reading spiritual books like AA’s daily reflections or something.)
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. (this is service. Vital in life.)
The key word in step 11 is SOUGHT. I am an agnostic. But if I am not seeking then I am being an idle bugger. Then I am waiting for God to step in and say ‘hello Miss Chasu, God here.’ What are the chances? I have to seek. I see no other purpose really.
One New Catholic: Me.
Bar a few swearwords and impure thoughts, I am currently sinless. There is not much chance of this state remaining. But having been covered in holy oil and almost drowned by my priest last night, I am feeling pretty squeaky clean. Spiritually.
It was great, actually, lots of candles lit and burning of palm leaves- then we all filed into the lemon squeezer for the real ceremony. It was long, and I wanted a cigarette. My friends and family came along. About 14 of us were due for confirmation and only three for baptism. I still smell of incense.
Baptism was easy- lots of saying ‘I Do’ to the creed and then a promise that I believe in the Church and that everything it teaches, professes and proclaims to be given from God. Which I do. I may have core faith issues around Jesus and the Bible but boy, I love that Catholic church.
The priests all looked so pretty in their sparkly celebration outfits. I swear he wet me more than anyone else. They don’t do full body submersion with adults. Too much like a wet T-shirt contest. Not entirely fitting for the Holy Roman Church.
Confirmation was a bit more trying. I had to kneel down around the altar on marble, my knees hurt like blazes. But, weirdly, once the priest was talking, I lost focus on the physical discomfort.
I got to light a candle off the Easter candle. My candle had the words Courage and Right-Judgment on it. I could do with more of that, so it seemed appropriate.
So, there I am kneeling down and the priest is confirming all of us- my candle in my hands. I nearly set his robes on fire. Well, I would have if he hadn’t forcefully made me move the candle.
Anyway, humour aside, here I am. A largely sin-free catholic girl. Woman. Whatever. And it feels pretty good.
I have never ever in my life wanted to belong to anything. I never have belonged to anything, other than AA and my scuba club. I am a firm subscriber to Groucho Marx’s view on any club that would have him as a member. So, this is a first and it’s very interesting.
What happens when you actually enjoy your sins?
My first confession is going to be a corker. Maybe the Catholics will change their minds about baptizing and confirming me on Saturday night. ‘Sorry, Ms Chasu, but we just can’t have your sort-’
At catechism last night we all got handed these leaflets which are how to evaluate and categorise one’s sin for the purposes of confession. I am not new to this concept and believe it is spiritually sound. Step Five in Alcoholics Anonymous goes: ‘Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.’
It worked, I don’t feel burdened by the drunk K Chasu’s actions, words or inactions. They are done and dusted. I have been sober for four years and leading, comparatively speaking, a clean life.
Anyway, back to the leaflet. There are some minor infringements to do with charity, mercy etc that I need to confess. Imprudent with money um, ya. But the real stumbling block is Purity.
Do I have impure thoughts and take part in impure conversations? Well, ya. And I kind of like it.
Do I take pleasure in porn? Sometimes- I particularly like manga and erotic fiction. I can stop that though.
Do I ever commit impure actions alone? Yes, I frequently masturbate. Do I intend to stop? NO. I like masturbating. Not to an unhealthy extent- but what the hell is wrong with the occasional fiddling with myself or my battery operated boyfriend? Do filthy text messages with someone other than the person I live with count? Apparently so, he specifically mentioned electronic communication and the Internet as sinful if used incorrectly. Bugger!
Do I use others for my own personal pleasure? Um is this not what sex is about? No, I suppose not. But what he means is do I get physical pleasure from anything other than straightforward baby-making sex. YES! Big brownie points are scored in K Chasu’s world by a man enthusiastically going down on me.
Am I faithful to my husband? What husband? I live in sin. And see earlier point about filthy sms. Is it a sin to commit sms-adultery when I am not in fact married or is this all some nasty ball of sin that I am hell-bound for?
Have I been responsible for an abortion? Tricky line this. Catholics believe the contraceptive pill, condoms, etc are all abortive. If I am not on the pill, then I am only doing oral sex- see my point above. Oral sex is a sin. So is anal, or fingers.. ok. I am not going there this morning.
So, as you can see, this is very shaky ground. And I am supposed to confess before they confirm me etc. Maybe I can just lump it together under “umbrella sins”:
‘In the name of the father and of the son and of the holy spirit, amen. Bless me father for I have sinned.’
Priest blesses me.
‘This is my first confession. These are my sins: All of the seven deadlies- about 75% of the Ten commandments. That covers it.’
*sigh*
Should be good for about four hundred Our Fathers, Hail Marys and Glory Bes.
But the problem with confession is that it requires true penance and resolve to go forth and sin no more. Bloody hell. I am in more trouble than I thought.
